Feelings of Guilt

I had not chosen to be Catholic.

I'm an Italian, so my parents used to take me to church every Sunday.  I received Baptism, Communion and Confirmation, and used to think I was a good believer.  Later in life I felt those steps were meaningless in terms of faith and I didn’t have any relationship with God.

As I teenager, I questioned my belief: I had not chosen to be Catholic. I simply happened to be born into a Catholic family and followed my parents’ faith - a very passive way to follow God.  My doubts grew stronger to the point that I abandoned him, but after four years a financial problem made me turn to God in prayer.  I knew God was there, but I didn’t know if he’d forgive me for turning to him only in time of need. As a child, I learned that if you do something bad God will punish you, and I was afraid he wouldn’t help me.  But he’s really a forgiving and merciful God, and he listened to my prayers. So I started going to church again, slightly more aware of God’s power, but still not grasping it all and still carrying a feeling of guilt for my behaviour.

I went on like that for years.  When I came to London, I decided to try a new church, as the Catholic mass dampened my enthusiasm and love for God.  Someone told me to go to Queens Road Church in Wimbledon, so I visited, feeling a bit apprehensive. I didn’t know what to expect and whether I would like it.  Little did I realise that God chooses us and not the other way around, and that he was already showing me the way ahead.  That day I was warmly welcomed, but the service was so different to what I was used to, that I found myself thinking that Christians were a bunch of “freaks”.  Catholic masses are very formal, so seeing people singing along with a rock band and raising their hands in adoration felt really awkward.  I wasn’t sure how to take all this but I had to know more.

That night there was a concert at QRC by the band Tree 63, and I felt I couldn’t miss it if I was to gain a better understanding of the life of the church.  I went without much expectation, but when I saw hundreds of people enthusiastically singing songs to Jesus I decided to explore what Christianity was about. I joined the Just Looking course, where I discussed my doubts with real believers and started thinking differently about my faith.  Encouraged by God’s presence in the lives of many Christians I met, I started the Alpha Course, where my misconceptions became clear and I had time to re-examine my religious views with some mature Christians.  

I considered myself a believer for many years, but my idea of “believing” was accepting that God exists, doing good things, respecting the Ten Commandments, going to church, praying and confessing your sins. I also thought it meant being a loser in everyone else’s eyes because your life is so miserable from trying hard to be good!

I couldn’t have been more wrong! Believing is freedom. Through the Alpha Course and QRC, I got to know a God I thought I knew, and found my faith totally renewed from a different perspective.  My try-hard-to-be-good life is over, I’ve found new peace and happiness. That feeling of guilt has gone! I’m now enthusiastic about Jesus and I choose to go to church because I truly enjoy God’s presence.  Since I met God for real, I have changed and I am still changing, because now I know I‘ll never be alone in my life.  Ever!